I'm alive, I swear (warning: photo heavy)

Wow, I am a bad, bad blogger. This blog post is WAY overdue. Sorry! I am going to have to post this very late at night since this is the only time I ever have to get on the internet.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I'll start from the beginning.

First, unfortunately, we lost our dear sweet kitty Jack.

 

Jack has had problems since day one and is extremely fortunate to have found Jess. I really don't know who else would have put up with him. Don't get me wrong, he was very sweet and a cozy cuddler who would always sit in one of our laps and we loved him to pieces. It's just his bladder and allergy problems got out of control and we finally had to face the fact that he was miserable and probably uncomfortable 99.9 % of the time. We loved him and didn't want him to suffer anymore. We will always cherish the 10 years we got to spend with him. R.I.P. my sweet pain in the ass. We love you.

As promised, here are some photos from our Halloween. The theme this year was Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It blows my mind that some people have never seen this movie. It's one of my favorites!

Here we have my sweet little Legendary Black Beast of Aaaarrrggghhh!

 Here is Jesse setting up the Knights of Ni!

 Here's a close up of the Knights of Ni!

 Even closer...

 Ni!

 We made sure to bring them a shrubbery.

Here is our Bridge of Death. It was very perilous.

 We had to have a Black Knight, of course.

 I think the highlight of our Halloween was that Jesse had a running loop of bits from the movie playing for the Knights of Ni and the Black Knight and as a jogger ran by the Black Knight, he said, "Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" The jogger was heard laughing as he ran away. Love it :)

Here is our Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog .

 Scary, right? Jesse rigged him up so we pushed a button and he jumped up at you.

Here is the bridge keeper.

 Bridge of Death again at night.

 Our yard wouldn't be complete without a grail...

(Bad, naughty Zoot)

 Our Halloween party wouldn't be even half as good if it weren't for these wonderful people.

 Not only do they always come up with great costumes every year, Sir Robin and his minstrels (a.k.a. Jesse's brother Tyler and his cousins Drew and Kate) make the best homemade donuts for us all. I love them so much.

Here I am (she's a witch!) and Jess.

We had a blast and hope Sam did too, even though he had no clue what was going on. I think we picked a great first Halloween costume. I wanted something other than a peanut or any of the other overly used infant costumes. 

I think I have his (and my) costume(s) picked out for next year already.

Also, I would like to add how amazing my husband is. We were under the impression that this year wouldn't be up to our usual Halloween yard standards since we couldn't spend much money this year and didn't have a whole lot of time, but somehow Jesse pulled it off. And it turned out amazing. Drew and I were pretty skeptical when Jess told us about his Bridge of Death idea, but when he started building it I was just blown away. Not to mention envious of his ingenuity and creativity. I am thoroughly convinced he can do anything. If only he could get a job that utilized these skills...

Thanksgiving was pretty low key, although we had two or three of them and I ended up getting the stomach flu and was only able to eat a small portion of mashed potatoes :(

Christmas was pretty fun, despite the usual hurried-traveling-to-each-house-thing and Sam missing his afternoon nap. He did very well and I am proud of him. I must say, Christmas on my side of the family is definitely more fun with a little one to celebrate with.

Gus even got in the spirit.

Unfortunately we are now a one-income family since, if I were to get a job, I would only be working to pay for a babysitter or daycare and therefore I would rather stay home and raise my son myself. I make a little money here and there through my Etsy shop, but not enough. And Jesse makes just enough for us to keep our house. Usually. Sigh. Needless to say, I was having a very hard time buying Christmas presents since the only things I buy anymore are baby food and gas for my car. And since I don't bring in the money, I feel super guilty buying myself anything anymore.

So, I ended up making a majority of the presents I gave out. It took forever and I was working like a mad woman.

Here's what I made for my sister-in-law.

 I used the images from this book. 

My Mom asked for potholders since she burned hers. I made her this.

The other side.

 And this.

 The other side.

I found the pattern for these here.

I made my Aunt a dishcloth and dishtowel.

 And potholders.

Whew! I feel very tired but, strangely enough, very satisfied. Handmade gifts are the best :)

I even had time to make a cherry pie for my friend's birthday and a pecan pie and pear pie with gruyere baked into the crust for Christmas (I was channeling my inner Chuck. How dare they cancel Pushing Daisies after only two seasons), with the help of my wonderful husband who kept the little one busy so I could bake, and also wrapped all the presents for me. I don't know what I would do without him.

Now I plan to get down to business and start designing patterns to sell in my shop. I am really trying hard to bring in more money for my family, and really hope to make my little home business a lucrative business. It would be my dream job!

We'll see how that goes with an eight-month old...

I am dreadfully unorganized so that means I might go awhile without blogging or leaving my house. Don't worry, if that happens it just means I am being productive! Or that Sam is keeping my extra busy.

 This one is a little blurry, but still cute. He loves his ugly doll.

Times may be tough, tougher than I have ever experienced before, but my babies make it all worth it. Especially when I wake up to things like this.

Oh, and I am excited because my cousin got me this book for Christmas:

Holy crap I want to make EVERYTHING in this book!! And I plan on it, assuming I can find the time (and the yarn). Why do all these books always suggest the most expensive yarn??? And you always need like fifty skeins of it too. How do these people afford it? I'm just hoping I can find yarn in my own stash that will work.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday and a wonderful (and safe) New Years Eve! I will leave you with our family Christmas card (if only we could have gotten the dog and cat in there).

Secrets and new goals

I have no followers yet. *sad face* So I'm basically just babbling to myself. Nothing new there. Maybe it's because I don't have anything interesting so say? I should probably do something about that.
For no reason whatsoever, here is a random photo of me as a little girl:
Anyway, I've been counting down the days until I am officially done with my "real job," though it is hard considering I don't know exactly when I'll be done. The latest I'll be here is May 17th, so I guess I can start there and hope for a sooner end.
I'm done. My mind has officially checked out. The guys who have been the "best bosses in the world" are no longer my bosses. Some corporate clones wandering in and out of the office all day long are my new bosses. I miss Pat walking past my desk and asking me how I am doing with genuine sincerity. I miss Bob's infectious laugh. I miss working for "real" people, not these faceless corporate tools who don't even bother to learn my name but instead call me "Courtney."
I'm finally ready to move on.
This has been an extremely emotional time for me. I had thought I finally found a secure job that I could stay at for as long as I needed to get my own business going (despite my continuous complaining). I was making the most money I have ever made and I had insurance. I was making more than my husband, which was new to me. Of course, considering the fact that he hasn't had a raise in, what? Six years? It really shouldn't be that hard to believe.
I made a mistake. I got too comfortable. I know better than that.
When things start going good for me, I cautiously wait for the bad to come. It's not that I'm a pessimist, it's just been my experience in the past. Balance. Can't have the good without the bad.
But for some reason, I thought it would stay good this time.
When our President announced that they were going to sell our company and that we would be laid off, it didn't really hit me at first.
But now my awesome bosses are gone. I just want to go home.
I had gotten pretty down after finding this all out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I'll spare you the details, but I think I was pretty good about hiding my freak out. Or at least good at hiding how severely depressed I had gotten.
But I should have known, the guys (my bosses, from here on out known as "the guys") wouldn't leave us completely high and dry; they made sure to get us some severance before they made the deal.
After going through numerous emotions and the huge bout of feeling sorry for myself, I decided that no knight in shining armor was going to come knocking at my door and offer take care of me, or just show up and give me a check for a million dollars for knowing how to crochet. I decided that this is my opportunity to try to do what I always wanted to do. Have a career creating stuff and never again have to work for anyone else.
Yeah, we'll see.

I've been doing some soul searching. I've been asking myself difficult questions. I've been getting to know me.
One of the scariest things I have ever experienced was realizing that I am the only one taking care of myself now. I rely solely on me. Could I trust myself?
I guess it's time to grow up and make sure I don't let myself down.
I've been fighting with myself my entire life. I've been trying to make myself into this person that I thought I was suppose to be instead of just letting me be. I'm trying to not do that anymore.
I have always been a solitary person. Sure, there are days when I crave the company of others and dearly miss my friends and family, but for the most part I am as happy as a clam just being in my own world working on my projects. If I don't get time to myself, I turn evil. Literally.

Photo by my lovely friend Amanda Arthur
I'm going to give myself more of what I need. I'm going to work hard and accomplish my goals. I'm going to have confidence in myself that I can make it, because really that's the only way I will. I will never succeed if I have no faith in myself.
I've studying and researching this subject from people who were actually able to quit their day jobs and work for themselves. It takes a lot of hard work and you have to work constantly. You have to start out small. You have to sacrifice a lot. But creating is the only thing that I've ever been really good at. And I love it.
Therefore, I will set goals for myself and rewards for seeing them through. I will unfortunately have to disappear sometimes, so I truly apologize for that, dear friends. Please forgive me? (People who know me well enough know I never stray too far)
But I will make my dream come true. I have to, because I don't know what else I'm going to do.

Goals:

1. Continue the try to break down the "Wall of Jess" (as in "try to get husband to communicate more")
2. Finish painting and organizing house, starting with the office (because that is where I'll be working. Duh.) so I can concentrate and actually find things
3. Finish commissions and take a break from them for awhile
4. Get new product made for Etsy store

I think that's a nice and simple list for now. No point in overwhelming myself just yet.
So, dear friends, if you see me slacking on these goals, please give me a swift kick in the behind and tell me to get back to work. I need to keep motivated ;)
Life is hard. And scary. I might as well make the best of it.
Thank you so much for sticking with me as I ramble on about my crap. I don't know if anyone is really reading this, but it just feels good to get it out there.
Time to get my act together. Wish me luck!

Time flies when you're not prepared...

Ok, so it's not that we aren't prepared, it's that we still have so much left to do to Paul and Melissa's yard. We went over to their house to start planning what we want to accomplish and I think I spent more time playing with Malachi.


How can you resist? Too cute :)
Two more months exactly till my wedding.
Whoa...
I can't believe how many wonderful people I have in my life. So many friends and family doing what they can to make me and Jess feel special. We feel so loved :) You guys are awesome!
And holy crap! Our guest list is almost up to 200, and we could have kept going.
There are some people who are no longer a part of my life, and they are definitely not missed. I found out some things after the fact that I wasn't aware of and I am now ecstatic that they are gone. And I wish I could take back all the nice things I said to them, but have no desire to ever speak to them again. I don't need those deceptive people in my life.
I know I am not the easiest person to be close friends with (I have to have my alone time, I have a hard time trusting people, etc.) but those who understand that that is just the way I am are friends worth having.
And apparently, I have a lot of them :)
I had an amazing bridal shower that I was apprehensive about at first because I don't feel comfortable making people buy me presents, but it was a lot of fun. Rachel, Melissa, and Valerie put it together at my Mom's house. Thank you everybody!!! Unfortunately we had to change the date because of the weather, so not everyone could attend, but I think it was for the better. I don't think I could have handled many more people. I'm trying so hard to get used to being the center of attention. Meh.



My amazing friend Kellie helped me with the bouquets and the corsages and they are so much better than what I imagined. Thanks Kellie!! You are so talented, my friend!
Sorry, I really want to show them off but I don't want to give away too much so no pictures until after the wedding.
The same goes for the decorations, party favors, and other stuff we have planned. Let's just say that we have a lot of surprises up our sleeves and it will definitely be a lot of fun.
People seem very curious about our Alice in Wonderland/homemade theme. Hee hee! You never know what you might see! We're silly that way ;)
Everyone seemed to love our wedding invitations (I can post pictures of them because they have already been sent). Jess and I (well, mostly I) designed them. Not too much lovey dovey (that's just not our style) and lots of humor and mischief. Awesome.






The back of the cards:


We made these golden tickets for the people who are attending the ceremony. It would be way too much to have everyone there, so we're inviting immediate family, close friends, and people who are traveling from other states or countries. We wish we could have everyone there, but the yard would just be too crowded.
Yay! That's about all for now.

It's hard to deal with things you can't change

I am sad. A person I considered a good friend has pushed me out of her life.
There were certain issues we had that she wanted to talk about, but I didn't think it was such a good idea. I tried to make it clear that I wasn't opposed to having talks at all, just not a talk where we point out each other's flaws, make each other feel bad, and then get in a huge argument.
I was trying to save the friendship.
She isn't good with criticism. I've tried before. She doesn't respond well to it. And I didn't want to hurt her.
It almost seems as though she had decided awhile ago to be done with it. All of a sudden she thinks that just because I am not willing to "fight" (which is essentially what it would come down to) or talk, that means I don't want to work on the friendship. You cannot convince her otherwise. She just won't believe it.
It's really hard to talk to someone when they don't believe what you have to say. If you tell her she's being unreasonable, she gives you 5 reasons why she isn't.
I didn't want our friendship to end and even went so far as to tell her I was willing to have the talk with her (even though I knew she wouldn't like it) because that's what she wanted to do. I was trying to make a truce. I was trying to compromise for her.
She told me that I'm just flip flopping and she can't trust what I say. Now I am a flip flopper because I was trying to give her what she wanted?
I give up. No matter what, I'm going to end up the bad guy. She obviously doesn't want me in her life. She kicked me out of her wedding and now I can't even be friends with her fiance. That makes me sad.
Well, I'm sorry. I wish things could be different. I guess there's nothing I can do now.
I wish you well...