For no reason whatsoever, here is a random photo of me as a little girl:
Anyway, I've been counting down the days until I am officially done with my "real job," though it is hard considering I don't know exactly when I'll be done. The latest I'll be here is May 17th, so I guess I can start there and hope for a sooner end.I'm done. My mind has officially checked out. The guys who have been the "best bosses in the world" are no longer my bosses. Some corporate clones wandering in and out of the office all day long are my new bosses. I miss Pat walking past my desk and asking me how I am doing with genuine sincerity. I miss Bob's infectious laugh. I miss working for "real" people, not these faceless corporate tools who don't even bother to learn my name but instead call me "Courtney."
I'm finally ready to move on.
This has been an extremely emotional time for me. I had thought I finally found a secure job that I could stay at for as long as I needed to get my own business going (despite my continuous complaining). I was making the most money I have ever made and I had insurance. I was making more than my husband, which was new to me. Of course, considering the fact that he hasn't had a raise in, what? Six years? It really shouldn't be that hard to believe.
I made a mistake. I got too comfortable. I know better than that.
When things start going good for me, I cautiously wait for the bad to come. It's not that I'm a pessimist, it's just been my experience in the past. Balance. Can't have the good without the bad.
But for some reason, I thought it would stay good this time.
When our President announced that they were going to sell our company and that we would be laid off, it didn't really hit me at first.
But now my awesome bosses are gone. I just want to go home.
I had gotten pretty down after finding this all out. I didn't know what I was going to do. I'll spare you the details, but I think I was pretty good about hiding my freak out. Or at least good at hiding how severely depressed I had gotten.
But I should have known, the guys (my bosses, from here on out known as "the guys") wouldn't leave us completely high and dry; they made sure to get us some severance before they made the deal.
After going through numerous emotions and the huge bout of feeling sorry for myself, I decided that no knight in shining armor was going to come knocking at my door and offer take care of me, or just show up and give me a check for a million dollars for knowing how to crochet. I decided that this is my opportunity to try to do what I always wanted to do. Have a career creating stuff and never again have to work for anyone else.
Yeah, we'll see.
I've been doing some soul searching. I've been asking myself difficult questions. I've been getting to know me.
One of the scariest things I have ever experienced was realizing that I am the only one taking care of myself now. I rely solely on me. Could I trust myself?
I guess it's time to grow up and make sure I don't let myself down.
I've been fighting with myself my entire life. I've been trying to make myself into this person that I thought I was suppose to be instead of just letting me be. I'm trying to not do that anymore.
I have always been a solitary person. Sure, there are days when I crave the company of others and dearly miss my friends and family, but for the most part I am as happy as a clam just being in my own world working on my projects. If I don't get time to myself, I turn evil. Literally.
Photo by my lovely friend Amanda ArthurI'm going to give myself more of what I need. I'm going to work hard and accomplish my goals. I'm going to have confidence in myself that I can make it, because really that's the only way I will. I will never succeed if I have no faith in myself.
I've studying and researching this subject from people who were actually able to quit their day jobs and work for themselves. It takes a lot of hard work and you have to work constantly. You have to start out small. You have to sacrifice a lot. But creating is the only thing that I've ever been really good at. And I love it.
Therefore, I will set goals for myself and rewards for seeing them through. I will unfortunately have to disappear sometimes, so I truly apologize for that, dear friends. Please forgive me? (People who know me well enough know I never stray too far)
But I will make my dream come true. I have to, because I don't know what else I'm going to do.
Goals:
- Continue the try to break down the "Wall of Jess" (as in "try to get husband to communicate more")
- Finish painting and organizing house, starting with the office (because that is where I'll be working. Duh.) so I can concentrate and actually find things
- Finish commissions and take a break from them for awhile
- Get new product made for Etsy store
So, dear friends, if you see me slacking on these goals, please give me a swift kick in the behind and tell me to get back to work. I need to keep motivated ;)
Life is hard. And scary. I might as well make the best of it.
Thank you so much for sticking with me as I ramble on about my crap. I don't know if anyone is really reading this, but it just feels good to get it out there.
Time to get my act together. Wish me luck!
I figured he would be the perfect playmate for the newly knitted squirrel on wheels whom Jesse said I should name "Wally."
Jesse even made Earl his own pair of rollerskates so he could join Wally. Unfortunately, Earl was more interested in food.
