As I sit here watching the
Every Simpsons Ever Marathon with my son while he plays
Plants VS Zombies on my iPad and I nurse a pretty bad caffeine withdrawal hangover, I feel like the worst mother ever.
I should be playing some toddler games with Sam to enhance his motor skills or
I really should be reading to him and limiting his screen time today plays over and over in my head. I swear I just cleaned the house but the dishes in the sink and the dog hair all over the floor makes me second guess myself and I wonder if I can ever get caught up. The constant repetition of "Mama!" and "Zombies ate brains!" are making me want to put duct tape over his mouth (not that I would) and makes me feel like my head is about to explode. With every step I take my head pounds as if there was a small person with a sledgehammer in there and all I want to do is go to bed for the next three days. But I can't because I am a mother. I'm just lucky I had the energy to shower today, because I didn't yesterday.
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| This is why I can't sleep in anymore |
I sigh and say to myself,
At least it's raining.I swear, I feel so backwards compared to other people. Rainy days make me happy and sunny days make me feel like I am going to die. I hate pizza. I would much rather stay at home than go out and party (I've learned a lot, recently, about my
introverted tendencies and it's making me feel better; like less of a weirdo).
Anyway, I have been having a hard time lately and I am hoping that by typing it out I can get things off my chest and start feeling better. I hate to admit it, but I am terrible about talking to the people in my life when something is bothering me. I tend to shut down and then everything gets pushed deep down inside.
Then I have anxiety attacks.
This recent one made me sick. I had to stop drinking caffeine and had to stick with bland foods because I had an upset stomach. Hench the caffeine withdrawal.
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| Yes, I am addicted to caffeine. Shut up. |
A friend of mine recently challenged me to post three good things in my life for five days and I haven't accepted because I've honestly been having a hard time finding good things in my life. Obviously I have many good things in my life; I know they are there and I am grateful, it's just harder to see them when the world seems so scary and hopeless. Lots of little things have built up and have exploded out of me like an anxiety geyser and are acting like a tarp, hiding the good things from view; especially when my two year old is testing the limits for the hundredth time that day.
Unfortunately, when we are having a difficult time we tend to forget that others might be too. That usually makes me feel even more guilty. I feel terrible that there's nothing I can do for them and that I am not always the best friend I could be. I'm afraid my introversion keeps me from being as compassionate of a friend as I could be.
I truly admire my friends who are able to constantly keep updated with people and always want to hang out. I admire the ones who sacrifice their "Me Time" to participate in fund raisers (or even coordinating them) and are always doing things for others. I admire the ones who are so intelligent, work so hard and truly love what they do for a living. And I admire the ones who are able to keep positive despite going through extremely hard times.
I don't feel like I could ever live up to that.
I love and respect you guys. I truly do. Even if I don't always show it.
Right now I can't even find the energy to crochet a voodoo doll.
My busy season hasn't even started yet and I am already overwhelmed with life. Shit. I guess I should have known better than to apply for a booth rent during October. Oops.
Well I guess it is time, yet again, for me to hibernate so that I can get my sanity back.
I apologize, dear friends, for being kind of solitary. It's harder for me to "
recharge" with a toddler constantly talking in my ear and demanding all of my attention.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to enjoy this before he becomes a teenager who wants nothing to do with his mother (dear jeebus I hope he never gets like that).
Now I need to go rest my eyes and hope the pounding stops soon.
XOXO
